Scenes We'd Like To See: Series 9, Episode 5
The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the fifth episode of the ninth series. Key *'HD' – Hugh Dennis *'AP' – Andy Parsons *'RH' – Russell Howard *'SF' – Stewart Francis *'EB' – Ed Byrne *'CA' – Chris Addison Topics Rejected Questions From This Year's Exams *'HD:' To keep them cool, the testes of the male homo sapiens are on the outside. Should he put them back in his trousers? *'RH:' Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kayleigh, and Martin lives six miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant? *'EB:' If an oil well is spitting out oil at 50,000 barrels a day, how do you stop it? No really. How do you stop it? *'AP:' If you mix blue and yellow, how crap is your government? *'HD:' If Mary has one apple, Thomas has an apple and an orange and Tarquin has two apples, an orange, an ugli fruit and two kumquats, whose parents read The Guardian? *'SF:' Which is faster: a cheetah or Mel Gibson leaving the mobos? *'RH:' If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be? *'CA:' Calculate the circumference of Eamonn Holmes using pi. *'AP:' A car is travelling at a constant speed of 70 miles an hour, around the M25. In what imaginary universe are they in fact travelling? *'RH:' Henry the Eighth loved the bitches. Discuss. *'EB:' Chemistry: What's that smell? *'HD:' Nelson lost an arm and an eye. Why didn't he call claims direct? *'AP:' Your mom's a slag. Discuss. Things You Won't Hear In a Gardening Programme *'HD:' If you're into naked gardening, here's a tip. Be careful what you do with the (in a high voice) shears! *'RH:' And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body. *'CA:' Not only that, but somebody has been sneaking into the allotment and putting top-soil on the ground... The plot thickens. *'AP:' Last year I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden, so I phoned up Time Team and told them I'd just found a Roman coin. *'RH:' And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff. (As Stumpy Jeff) Hi, guys! *'EB:' You see David here has got some nice budlia, and Jemai over there, she's got some nice hydrangia, and I've got Chlamydia. *'HD:' Well, that's it for this week. I'm off home to plant my seeds. My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot. *'RH:' Why grow flowers like this when you can steal them from a traffic blackspot? *'AP:' Last week you were complaining about rabbits being rampant in your garden, being a pest. But let me tell you, I've got a rampant rabbit and when it's in my garden it causes nothing but joy. *'HD:' Well I've been having trouble with a mole. He keeps passing confidential information to other gardeners. *'EB:' You see, we've got a nice rockery over there, and there's a lovely fountain we've put in, and next to that is the Tree Of Knowledge - YOU WILL NOT EAT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE! *'CA:' If your lawn suffers from patchy grass, just grow it long one side and comb it over. *'HD:' And if you leave it for about four or five years, it should be just the right height to piss behind. *'SF:' In a garden it's - wh-who's blocking my light? Dara, could you just... *'AP:' And over here is a wonderful water feature, like in Brussels, of a small boy pissing. This ones from Thailand, and I pay him twenty pence a week. *'RH:' He ain't lying, it's good money! Category:Scenes We'd Like To See